VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2005 For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs up stairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly,
"Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I!
And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds,
"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says,
"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says,
"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers,
"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers,
"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks,
"Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
A white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand; I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check and I know you need to make sure that my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"
Night After Drinking
After a night of drinking, Pete crept into bed beside Kathy who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Pete, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Pete was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St. Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Pete was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Pete, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Pete.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds , an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard Kathy shouting, "Pete! wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in the bed.!!!!!!!!"
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three ti me s a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, so me one made the com me nt that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experi me nt. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he beca me as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he clai me d, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me . So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We
wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we ca me to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he beca me as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start things out with my bear."
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
We all know that women have been held back and underpaid in the workplace.
Edge Designs is an all women run company that designs interior office space.
They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC. The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women execs.............The result............well.......
We all know that men never talk ...never look at each other....and never laugh much in the restroom....The men's room is a serious and quiet place............But now ...with the addition of one mural on the wall. .....lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles...
The Almost Married Man
I was a very happy person.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me .. It was her
beautiful younger sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled
off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside,all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is.....
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me.
One for you one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back
on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with
a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth”.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered
through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now
let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
.....They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Smile and may God continue to BLESS YOU Real GOOD!!
Housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
! Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's
lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna I'm going to jump off, too"
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage, and jumped to his death
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
taco s or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's
wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
NBC Poll
NBC this morning had a poll on this question. They had the highest number of responses that they have ever had for one of their polls, and the percentage was the same as this:
86% to keep the words, "In God We Trust" and 14% against.
That is a pretty 'commanding' public response. I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn't. Now it is your turn ... It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is Such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God In the Pledge of Allegiance. Why is the world catering to this 14%?
In God I Trust!!!
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret
Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him
out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first
kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland ." George said, "No
problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid said, "I
really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's." George said, "I'll get
them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I
want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look
like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"
This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W...
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down...
Keep going ...
Don't stop .
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter...
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down...
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name...
Almost
there........
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down...
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level...
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand...
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter in the
persons name?
Of course not.......
Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
Don't
tell the secret
to others,
just send
them this e-mail!
Smile & have
a great day!
Ha hA gOT U...
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