Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in
the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met
this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the
parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks"
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the
gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thank you."
7 x 7
"Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my family,
my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen."
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.
They took aspirin, ! ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in
it, but
we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would
happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the
bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to ! learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
May God Continue to Bless You!
If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse...
All I can say is AMEN!
THE TONGUE CAN BE YOUR WORST ENEMY!
Your words, your dreams, and your thoughts have power to create conditions
in your life. What you speak about, you can bring about.
If you keep saying you can't stand your job, you might lose your job.
If you keep saying you can't stand your body, your body can become sick.
If you keep saying you can't stand your car, your car could be stolen or just
stop operating.
If you keep saying you're broke, guess what? You'll always be broke.
If you keep saying you can't trust a man or trust a woman, you will always find
someone in your life to hurt and betray you.
If you keep saying you can't find a job, you will remain unemployed.
If you keep saying you can't find someone to love you or believe in you, your
very thought will attract more experiences to confirm your beliefs.
If you keep talking about a divorce or break up in a relationship, then you might
end up with it.
Turn your thoughts and conversations around to be more positive and power packed
with faith, hope, love and action.
Don't be afraid to believe that you can have what you want and deserve.
Watch your Thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your Habits, they become character.
Watch your Character, for it becomes your Destiny
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you
settle for.
Thought I would share this with you. "In the search for me, I discovered truth.
In the search for truth, I discovered love. In the search for love, I discovered
God. And in God, I have found everything."
************************************************
Drinking Responsibly
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back And
forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the
end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees
the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
It's possible
Be honorable yourself if you wish to associate with honorable people. Welsh Proverb
"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." Tommy Lasorda
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees. Eric Clapton, Tears In Heaven.
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows". Helen Keller
"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. Wayne Gretzky
It's possible
When you imagine it, it's possible. When you visualize it in every detail, it's possible.
When you expect it to happen, it's possible. When you develop a workable, realistic plan, it's possible.
When you put forth sustained, effective effort, it's possible. When you make a solid commitment, it's possible.
When you're willing to work through whatever challenges and obstacles may come your way, it's possible. When you persist through all the ups and downs while always looking forward, it's possible.
When you can learn from the mistakes and gain strength from the disappointments, it's possible. When you put your creativity, passion and enthusiasm to work, it's possible.
When you imagine and visualize, expect and plan for it, when you work and commit and persist, passionately facing every challenge, it is not merely possible. It is certain to happen.
-- Ralph Marston
DO YOU SMELL THAT?
I think you will figure out what option I chose.
A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in
Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana
Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery. Her husband, David, held her hand
as they braced
themselves for the latest news. That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications
had forced
Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver
couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.
At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine
ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature.
Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.
"I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could.
"There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even
then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel
one."
Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the
doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived.
She would never walk, she would never talk, she would
probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions
from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.
"No! No!" was all Diana could say.
She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had
long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of
four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away.
But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for
David and Diana.
Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was
essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort,
so
they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer
the strength of their love. All they could do, as Dana struggled
alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires,
was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl.
There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew
stronger.
But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce
of weight here and an ounce of strength there.
At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents
were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two
months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her
chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next
to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.
Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering
gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life.
She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment.
Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy
ending is far from the end of her story.
One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her
home in Irving , Texas , Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the
bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing.
As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother
and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell
silent.
Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?"
Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a
thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."
Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell
that?"
Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're
about to get wet.
It smells like rain."
Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted
her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, "No,
it smells like Him.
It smells like God when you lay your head on His
chest." Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down
to play with the other children.
Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed
what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known,
at least in their hearts, all along.
During those long days and nights of her first two
months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch
her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she
remembers so well.
Pass this on and let other people catch the chills like you did or you can delete
this and act like it didn't touch your heart like it did mine.
IT'S YOUR CALL!
"I can do all things in Him who strengthens me."
This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven,
He saw me, and He asked: "My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I
responded:
"Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this message, their family
and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much" The love
of God is like the ocean, you
can see its beginning, but not its end.
ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we call them
FRIENDS.
|
The person you become
Life is full of infinite absurdities, which, strangely enough, do not even need
to appear plausible, since they are true.
--Luigi Pirandello Six Characters in Search of an Author
A woman has two smiles that an angel might envy, the smile that accepts a lover
before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the first born babe, and
assures it of a mother's love
--Thomas C. Haliburton
We shall find peace. We shall hear angels. We shall see the sky sparkling with
diamonds.
--Anton Chekov
Bigotry may be roughly defined as the anger of men who have no opinions. G. K. Chesterton
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
--Albert Einstein
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
--Ambrose Bierce
The person you become
You can hide your thoughts, feelings and even your actions from others. Yet the person you are to become will always know them. The person you are to become is always watching the person you are right now. What you think of yourself tomorrow depends on the actions you watch yourself take today.
Will you find strength and inspiration in the future from the things you are doing this very day? The you of tomorrow is watching every thought, every word, every action.
There is a very important person in your life who sees your every move and knows your every thought. That person is you.
Give yourself good reason to think highly of yourself. Live so that the person you become can look back with gratitude and admiration at the person you are today.
-- Ralph Marston
Dangers of drinking beer
And this is from a woman, of course!!!!!
|
Make sure u read to end and go on web site!! Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert
and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date
rape drug on the market called "Beer."
|
Doctor Visit
An older man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem." My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says, "you know, three Viagra pills three nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age." "I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
"You have a deal, Doc," says the man. Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor says, "what happened?" The man answered, "nobody showed up!"
Potential vs. Reality
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an
opportunity like that."
Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh absolutely, I'd just love to do that! I'd do it
for free!"
Then he went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do
you know how much a million could buy?"
Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
and realistically?
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three
million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a
fag.
Gossip needs no carriage. Russian Proverb
"TV has brought murder back into the home where it belongs." Alfred Hitchcock
Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?
Golden Earring, Twilight Zone
"TV is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing
in the corners of our rooms." - Alan Coren
"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have
to say something."
- Plato
With my New York brim and my gold tooth displayed, nobody give me trouble cause
they know I've got it made. - ZZ Top, I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value." A lbert Einstein
****************************************
The bright side
Look on the bright side. It won't cost you anything, and yet it will benefit you greatly.
Let your first word be a genuine smile. It will encourage others to listen to the rest of what you way.
When things go wrong, spend more time looking forward than backwards. For that is how you will find a successful way out.
When others criticize you, be truly thankful and appreciative. For you've just learned a valuable lesson.
When conditions change unexpectedly, respond with renewed energy and enthusiasm. For a whole new set of valuable opportunities has just been created.
Yes, you can live in the dark shadows of gloom and dismay, but why would you ever choose that for yourself? Choose instead to live on the bright side, and enjoy how great life can be.
-- Ralph Marston
Shine a positive light
In case of doubt it is best to lean to the side of mercy.
Legal Proverb
"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got".
- Garth Brooks
Well, you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind. You don't
pull on the mask of old Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim.
- Jim Croce, You Don't Mess Around With Jim.
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music".
- George Carlin
"For those who understand no explanation is needed, ...For those who don't none will do".
- Jerry Lewis
We're going to Surf City , gonna have some fun. Now, two girls for every boy.
- Jan and Dean, Surf City .
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house".
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Shine a positive light
Shine a positive light on the people around you. And they'll live up to the best of your expectations.
Shine a positive light on the circumstances in which you find yourself. And you'll discover opportunities to create real, lasting value.
Shine a positive light on the disappointments that can hurt so much. And you'll learn how to successfully move forward.
Shine a positive light on the things you cannot control. And you'll find plenty of ways to achieve whatever you intend.
Shine a positive light on the moments of each day. And you'll see real treasure in every direction.
Shine a positive light on life. And the life you experience will be filled with true richness.
-- Ralph Marston
Camel walk
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African
desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched
up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The
nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have
the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having
his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to
his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done,
he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the camel into town where the
girls are."
A Woman's Life Cycle
What is the difference between girls/woman
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
![[]](lilgirl.gif)
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
![[]](baglady.gif)
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
![[]](womenbend.gif)
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
![[]](womenwithflowers.gif)
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
![[]](nagginwoman.gif)
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
![[]](mansleep.gif)
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
![[]](sleepgmagpa.png)
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
![[]](gmabadfeet.png)
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
|
LIFE WITHOUT BLACK PEOPLE
A very humorous and revealing story is told about a group of white people who
were fed up with African Americans, so they joined together and wished themselves
away. They passed through a deep dark tunnel and emerged in sort of a twilight
zone where there is an America without black people.
At first these white people breathed a sigh of relief. At last, they said, No
more crime, drugs, violence and welfare. All of the blacks! have gone! Then suddenly,
reality set in. The "NEW AMERICA" is not America at all-only a barren land.
1. There are very few crops that have flourished because the nation was built
on a slave-supported system.
2. There are no cities with tall skyscrapers because Alexander Mils , a black
man, invented the elevator, and without it, one finds great difficulty reaching
higher floors.
3. There are few if any cars because Richard Spikes , a black man, invented the
automatic gear shift , Joseph Gambol , also black, invented the Super Charge System
for Internal Combustion Engines, and Garrett A. Morgan , a black man, invented
the traffic signals.
4. Furthermore, one could not use the rapid transit system because its procurer
was the e lectric trolley , which was invented by another black man , Albert R.
Robinson .
5. Even if there were streets on which cars and a rapid transit system could
operate, they were cluttered with paper because an African American, Charles Brooks
, invented the street sweeper.
6. There were few if any newspapers, magazines and books because John Love invented
the pencil sharpener , William Purveys invented the fountain pen , and Lee Barrage
invented the Type Writing Machine and W. A. Love invented the Advanced Printing
Press . They were all, you guessed it, Black.
7. Even if Americans could write their letters, articles and books, they would
not have been transported by mail because William Barry invented the Postmarking
and Canceling Machine! William Purveys invented the Hand Stamp and Philip Downing
invented the Letter Drop .
8. The lawns were brown and wilted because Joseph Smith invented the Lawn Sprinkler
and John Burr invented the Lawn Mower .
9. When they entered their homes, they found them to be poorly ventilated and
poorly heated. You see, Frederick Jones invented the Air Conditioner and Alice
Parker the Heating Furnace . Their homes were also dim. But of course, Lewis Lattimer
Later invented the Electric Lamp , Michael Harvey invented the lantern and Granville
T. Woods invented the Automatic Cut off Switch .
Their homes were also filthy because Thomas W. Steward invented the Mop &
Lloyd P. Ray the Dust Pan .
10. Their children met them at the door-barefooted, shabby, motley and unkempt.
But what could one expect? Jan E. Matzelinger invented the Shoe Lasting Machine
, Walter Sammons invented the Comb , Sarah Boone invented the Ironing Board and
George T. Samon invented the Clothes Dryer.
11. Finally, they were resigned to at least have dinner amidst all of this turmoil.
But here again, the food had spoiled because another Black Man, John Standard
invented the refrigerator.
Now, isn't that something?
What would this country be like without the contributions of Blacks, as African-Americans?
Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "by the time we leave for work, Americans have
depended on the inventions from the minds of Blacks." Black history includes more
than just slavery, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and
Marcus Garvey & W.E.B. Dubois.
PLEASE SHARE , ABUNDANTLY In everything you do, put GOD first, and he will direct
you and crown your effort with success.
(Proverbs 3:6)
The Pink Dress
There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park.
Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.
Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat
and watched the people go by.
She never tried to speak.
She never said a word.
Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.
The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see
if the little girl would still be there.
Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was
yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.
Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl.
For as we all k! now, a park full of strange people is not a place
for young children to play alone.
As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress.
It was grotesquely shaped.
I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no
effort to speak to her.
Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if
you make a step toward assisting someone who is different.
As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to
avoid my intent stare.
As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more
clearly.
She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.
I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk.
I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello."
The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a "hi"; after a long
stare into my eyes.
I smiled and she shyly smiled back.
We talked until darkness fell and the p! ark was completely empty.
I asked the girl why she was so sad.
The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because, I'm
different."
I immediately said, "That you are!"; and smiled.
The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."
"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and
innocent."
She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and
said,
"Really?"
"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch
over all people walking by."
She nodded her head yes, and smiled.
With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her
wings to spread, then she said "I am."
"I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in her eye.
I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.
She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself.
My job here is done".
I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help! an
angel?"
She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You're the only one that
could see me," and then she was gone.
And with that, my life was changed dramatically.
So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is
always watching over you.
Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you.
Make sure you send it back to the person who sent it to you, to
let them know you're glad they care about you.
Like the story says, we all need someone...
And, every one of your friends is an Angel in their own way.
The value of a friend is measured in the heart.
I hope your Guardian Angel watches over you always.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend?
She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts,
and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many
a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it
when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married,
and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not
really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs
to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs
at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could
not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Tough Love vs. Spanking
(a psychological conundrum )
Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried
other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and
talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one! of my sessions with my son, in case you would
like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!
George Carlin
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A
DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND
IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never
thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the
key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"! "I'm gonna be ! 16!" You could be
13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life
. . .. you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU
BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes
you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no
fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think! you
would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it
to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After
that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end
there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay
"them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the
devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for
breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE
while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is
your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get
help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even
to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
--Albert Schweitzer (01/14/1875-1965)
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
F. P. Jones
O, how this spring of love resembleth
The uncertain glory of an April day!
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "The Two Gentlemen of Verona", Act 1 scene 3
[T]here's no bad day that can't be overcome by listening to a barbershop quartet; this is just truth, plain and simple.
Chuck, The World According to Chuck weblog, September 30, 2003
Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.
Robert Anthony
We have to do the best we can. This is our sacred human responsibility.
--Albert Einstein
Technology/Business Laws (continued):
¨ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
¨ A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
¨ The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
¨ Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
¨ Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
¨ The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
¨ To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
¨ After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
¨ Any circuit design must contain at least one part, which is obsolete, two parts, which are unobtainable, and three parts, which are still under development.
¨ A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
Wind against your face
The faster you move forward, the more the wind blows against your face. When you encounter much difficulty and resistance, it is because you're in the process of making significant progress.
Those who have no problems are those who never venture out to accomplish anything. Those who face the most challenges are those who end up creating the most value.
When a particular problem arises, it is because you have progressed to the point where you can deal with it. When a challenge comes along, that's because you are truly ready for where it can bring you.
See the obstacles as gateways and you'll see their true value. Each new challenge is a stepping stone, a waypoint on the journey to real and meaningful accomplishment.
Feel the stiff wind as it blows against your face. And know that what you're feeling is your rapid movement forward.
-- Ralph Marston
Shining Light
Perfection of means and confusion of ends seem to characterize our age.
--Albert Einstein
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
--Homer Simpson
Perhaps this is our strange and haunting paradox here in America -- that we are
fixed and certain only when we are in movement.
--Thomas Wolfe You Can't Go Home Again
I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this
reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.
--James Baldwin Notes of a Native Son
There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured with what is right in
America.
--William J. Clinton - Bill Clinton
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest
Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then,
we elected them.
--Lily Tomlin
Funny Answering Machine Messages (continued) :
¨ (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.
¨ (In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
¨ (In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you'd like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after the beep.
¨ (In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
¨ (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi... You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can.
Shining light
There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to be troubled by your troubles. There is no requirement that you must become disappointed by the disappointments. You have no obligation at all to become stressed out by stressful situations. To the extent that you do these things, they're little more than habits you've learned that can be changed like any others.
In fact, there are plenty of reasons to be encouraged by the disappointments. For in each of them are numerous ways you can learn and grow stronger. There are all kinds of great reasons to remain positive, calm and focused in stressful situations. For in those highly stressful situations, when you can stay level-headed and clear, you'll find the most valuable opportunities.
Think of how welcome and valued a shining light would be in the middle of the darkest night. Each day, when things go from bad to worse, when the frustrations and anxieties mount, you have the chance to be that shining light.
And truly what a great opportunity that is.
-- Ralph Marston
Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable
in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up
to.
--Alfred A. Montapert
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
--Albert Einstein
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers (1918 - 2002)
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
--Aldous Leonard Huxley British writer
Its time we stop worrying, and get angry you know? But not angry and pick up
a gun, but angry and open our minds.
--Tupac Amaru Shakur
There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything
is a matter of organisation. If there are such things as angels, hope that they
are organised along the lines of the Mafia.
--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. The Sirens of Titan
Toward your dream
It is surely a blessing that dreams do not instantly come true. For if your dreams were to immediately be fulfilled, you would never have the pleasure of dreaming them.
The anticipation of an achievement is an important part of the value of that achievement. Having something to look forward to gives enormous richness to life.
It is good to achieve your dreams, and yet it is also good to hold on to them, to nurture, refine and appreciate them before they have been reached. In so doing, by the time the dream is achieved, it has developed a real and profound meaning.
Working toward a goal is what makes that goal worth having. The fact that a dream has not yet been fully realized is what makes that dream so enticingly desirable.
Go ahead and dream big, wonderful, positive and intimately meaningful dreams. For they're the ones that will get you to move diligently and persistently forward.
Your dreams will not come true in an instant, yet they can instantly begin to provide focus, direction, and a driving force. You can then enjoy each and every moment as you steadily bring those dreams to life.
-- Ralph Marston
Turn on sound
Off the hook
http://www.americancomedynetwork.com/FLASH/soldiers.htm
10 Roses
When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of this we can be sure ... either God will provide something solid to stand on or ..... we will be taught to fly.
10 Roses for You.
You are receiving these roses because you are a special person! Each rose symbolizes
a special wish from me to you.
One Rose for Long Friendship
One Rose for Unconditional Love
One Rose For Financial Wealth
One for Everlasting Happiness
One for Success
One for Knowledge
One for Beauty, inner and outer
One for Family
One for Honesty
And the last one for a long and healthly life
For every friend a rose to you.
You are a friend.
Thanks for visiting this site!
Positive possibilities
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.
--Aesop
Man is what he believes.
Anton Chekhov (1860 - 1904)
A successful work of art is not one which resolves contradictions in a spurious harmony, but one which expresses the idea of harmony negatively by embodying the contradictions, pure and uncompromised, in its innermost structure.
Theodore Adorno
On the big Bang theory: "For every one billion particles of antimatter there
were one billion and one particles of matter. And when the mutual annihilation
was complete, one billionth remained - and that's our present universe."
--Albert Einstein
Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations, the latter (like the river banks) forcing the spontaneity into the various forms which are essential to the work of art or poem.
Rollo May
Christmas renews our youth by stirring our wonder. The capacity for wonder has been called our most pregnant human faculty, for in it are born our art, our science, our religion.
Ralph Sockman
Funny Answering Machine Messages (continued) :
¨ (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
¨ (Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.
¨ (Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.
¨ (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
¨ (Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!
Positive possibilities
You are truly wealthy. And what makes you so is not anything that anyone could ever take from you. The real richness in your life has nothing to do with financial assets or material property. The real richness in your life is your life.
That real wealth exists in your ability to sense, to experience, to know, to care, to love, to decide, understand and act. For the living of your life opens up a whole world of wonderful possibilities.
Who is the most successful, accomplished person you can think of? The truly important factors that have led to that person's success are also yours to use.
What you have already is more than enough. For what you have already is the ability to live your life. Everything anyone has ever accomplished has come from exactly the kinds of positive possibilities that you also have. Live those possibilities fully and see how your life is filled with richness.
-- Ralph Marston
Crossing the river
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river. Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN
WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
People are unhappy (and neurotic) in America today because advertising has caused
them to have unrealistic expectations of life, themselves, their jobs and the
Fantasyland products and services that are constantly pushed on them.
--Curtis Smale
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason
for existing.
--Albert Einstein
I know half the money I spend on advertising is wasted, but I can never find
out which half.
-- John Wanamaker
This war will not be over by the next commercial break
--US spokeperson talking to reporters during the Gulf War
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
George Burns
The best advice I can give is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted
by the opinions of others.
--Russel Edson
Funny Answering Machine Messages (continued) :
¨ (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
¨ (Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
¨ (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.
¨ (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 555-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")
¨ (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Pull the plug
Your doubts have no power except for the power you give them. At any time you can pull the plug. Those doubts, fears and other negative thoughts can become so familiar that you may think they're a part of you. Yet they are not a part of you. They are only things that you have chosen to hold. And when you choose, you can let them go.
Imagine being free of the doubts, the anxieties, the fears. Then realize that your imagination is the only place where they can possibly exist. When you can imagine being free of them, you are indeed free of them. You have the power at any time to pull the plug.
There is no need to tolerate even one more moment of being less than the best you can be. Let go of those thoughts that hold you back, and let yourself be free.
-- Ralph Marston
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes
about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five
miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell
I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and
how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around
and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood,
you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and
it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike
to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day
to tape it off the radio (that is the truth) and the DJ'd usually talk over the
beginning and @#*% it all up! Man I hated when that happening. It always mixed
up my mix tapes.
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody
else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had
no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie,
a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders"
and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens,
it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All
the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat
in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and
there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book
called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass
and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network
either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm
saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use
the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn,
we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever
like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're
spoiled!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
Why God Allows Pain
This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen. It's an explanation other people will understand.
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "
Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is that people do not come to me."
"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens is that people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
If you think God exists, let other people know---If you think God does not exist, your life is damn already!
BE BLESSED & BE A BLESSING
THE SCARS OF LIFE
Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida , a little boy decided
to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to
dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes,
socks, and shirt as he went.
He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of
the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer
together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as
loudly as he could.
Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim
to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator
reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms
just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war
between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the
father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by,
heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on
his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his
flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he
would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great
scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go."
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not
from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are
unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are
because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been
there holding on to you.
The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants
to protect you and provide for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly
wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming
hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting
to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of
His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever
let you go.
Never judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got
them.
Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them,
too- enough to not let them go.
Awards.....2005 Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners:
AND THE WINNER IS:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they we ren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained f or. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best la ugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family . unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
"He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient
for himself, must be either a beast or a god."
Aristotle, Politics
"To fly from, need not be to hate, makind:
All are not fit with them to stir and toil,
Nor is it discontent to keep the mind
Deep in its fountain."
George Gordon Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage , 1818
The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed
in seventy or eighty years. Your body changes, but you don't change at all. And
that, of course, causes great confusion.
Doris Lessing
"Only solitary men know the full joys of friendship. Others have their family;
but to a solitary and an exile, his friends are everything."
Willa Cather, Shadows on the Rock , 1931
"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong."
Sir Winston Churchill
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms,
it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
--Abraham Lincoln
Bumper Sticker Quotes – The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the
sender (continued):
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic
jam.
The horn blows does the driver!
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same!
The meek will Internet the world.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Coming your way
There will be a whole lot of life coming your way today. And the best thing you can do with it is to live it fully. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about it, or making judgments concerning all the ups and downs. Simply accept the experience and get on with it.
When the pain comes, feel it and learn from it. When the joys come, delight in them and keep them where you can treasure them always. Decide to let the obstacles challenge and energize you instead of frustrating you. Decide to be happy simply because you're alive and able to take it all in.
Though many of the details won't always go your way, when you let go and let life happen then life itself will most certainly go your way. No matter what happens or fails to happen, you will still be who you are. Keep moving along, letting life flow through you, and you'll be surely headed toward where you want to be.
-- Ralph Marston
Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he
will feel as good as ever.
Don Marquis
A Hospital is no place to be sick.
Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974)
We are generally the better persuaded by the reasons we discover ourselves than by those given to us by others.
Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
George Eliot (1819 - 1880)
There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.
Rita Holt
"Teaching is leaving a vestige of one self in the development of another. And
surely the student is a bank where you can deposit your most precious treasures."
Eugene P. Bertin
Bumper Sticker Quotes – The opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the
sender (continued):
The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.
The more you listen, the more you know.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your actions.
The princess is in.
The road to hell is paved with democrats!
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
The Second Place Is The First Loser
The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.
The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
In the mood
Do you ever avoid what must be done because you're just not in the mood? How many opportunities and possibilities are never fulfilled because you were not in the mood when it was time for action?
Whose mood is it, anyway? It's yours, and you have the option of adjusting your mood to serve your purposes. There are times when the best things in life will not wait until your mood happens to be right. There are times when it is in your best interest to put yourself in the mood for what must be done.
If you're not in the mood to do some particular task, there's a quick and easy way to put yourself in the mood. Simply visualize, clearly, richly and in full detail, how great it will feel to already have the job done.
The more you don't feel like doing it, the more you will want to have it done. Focus intensely on the benefits of having it done and that will put you in the mood to go ahead and get it done.
Your feelings have a powerful influence on you. So focus them in a positive, productive direction and let them push you forward.
-- Ralph Marston
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young
--Jim Samuels
All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance.
Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794)
As punishment for my contempt for authority, Fate has made me an authority myself.
--Albert Einstein
The biggest misconception about me is that I'm angry and violent. But I'm a real
sweetie.
--Jack Nicholson
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore (1882 - 1942)
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
--Aldous Leonard Huxley British writer
You are not your problems
The more you identify yourself with the problems that face you, the more difficult it will be for you to get past them. If your whole identity is wrapped up in your limitations, how can you ever be free of them?
There is a part of you that exists beyond every problem, beyond every limitation. Let that part of you dominate your thoughts, your words, and your actions.
Though you will certainly experience problems, don't allow those problems to define who you are. Operate from a level that is above all the problems, for it is from that perspective that you'll successfully transcend them all.
If you think of yourself as a loser, that is what you'll always be. Yet when you think of yourself as a winner who is experiencing some difficult challenges, you're sure to work your way successfully past those challenges.
See yourself not as a person who has problems, but as a person who creates value out of difficult situations. See the challenges and limitations not as permanent parts of you, but as stepping stones on the path to the fulfillment of your greatest dreams.
You are not your problems and they are not you. You can choose to express your own unique value no matter what your circumstances may be.
-- Ralph Marston
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Daily Inspirations And a little child will lead us.....
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table, but the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating very difficult for him. Peas rolled off his fork onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law soon became very irritated with the mess.
"We must do something about grandfather," said his son. "I've really had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and all that food on the floor!"
So, the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather
ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken
a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in
Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still,
the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a
fork or spilled food. The four-year old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps
on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little wooden bowl for you and Mama to eat your food when I grow up and you grow old."
The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck his parents
that they were speechless. Then, tears started to
stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That very evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back
to the family table. For the remainder of his days, he ate every meal with his
family.
And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, a plate broken, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes every day, the building blocks are being laid for the child's future. Let's be wise builders and role models for our children, our grandchildren, our friends' children, etc.
Lord, we ask not that you move the mountains, but that You give us the strength to climb. Life is about people connecting with people, and making a positive difference.
Take care of yourself -- and those you love -- today -- and everyday!
HAVE A BLESSED DAY
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty
young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to
do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
New Government Symbol
Official Announcement:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to
a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually
getting screwed.
It just doesn't get more accurate than that!
YA GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams
the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three
months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should
help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Church Announcements
First of all, the Pastor would like to thank all of you who paid your tithes
last week. With the high price of gas - every little bit helps. He also wanted
us to mention that if you write a check, please make sure that it does not bounce.
He said that you are still encouraged to pay your tithes, and God only wants 10%
but if your check bounces we gone take 25%.
From the Health Ministry: The usher board has asked those frequent shouters who routinely pass out on the
altar to please wear clean underwear. Let your praise be holy, not your draws.
Amen. The deacon board has brought this to our attention.
Also, if you are one of the people who got tapped on the shoulder Sunday morning,
during service, make sure you pick up your Altoids, Peppermints, and Breath Tabs
at the hospitality desk before entering the sanctuary. Saints, lets not let our
breath hinder our neighbors praise.
Special Note: We would like to apologize for those who came out to the Youth Explosion Conference
last night. The youth choir's remix of Shake that Laffy Taffy was totally unexpected.
The youth director has been reprimanded and will issue a formal apology on Sunday
morning.
Also, for those who witnessed Mother Green getting up and doing the Laffy Taffy
dance, and are concerned, she is doing fine. She is in Methodist North recovering
well.
From the Kitchen Committee: Saints, don't forget about the Chitlin dinner this evening. If you haven't already
placed your order, call the church office. And for those who are a little skeptical
after the last Chitlin dinner, please feel at ease knowing that Pastor Happy has
prayed over the Chitlins and no one from the Drug Rehab Ministry was involved
in the preparation this time.
One last announcement from the Pastor : Pastor has requested that all "dark-skinneded" members sit in the well lit
sections during night service. Last Wednesday he heard voices in the dark and
thought they were demons.
This will conclude the announcements for this week. Please govern yourselves
accordingly.
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